Do Realistic Attachment Parents Exist? (or are they all birth, car seat, and breastfeeding nazis?)

After a lot of thought and a lot of debating, I've decided that I need to change the focus of this blog.  I've spent so much of my life not being myself, not being true to myself, at all, and it needs to stop.  I need at least one aspect of my life (other than with my kids, they always love me for me) where I can be ME and this is it. 

For the past week or so, my heart hasn't been into writing.  I feel as if I am merely going through the motions, recycling the same old thing that's on every attachment parenting, natural parenting, or green mom blog.  I sat down and thought about what makes me unique.  And, as I was writing a blog post (coming soon, I promise) about car seat safety, I realized...

I may be an attachment focused parent.  I may breastfeed, cloth diaper, use cloth wipes (and occasionally "the family cloth"), eat vegetarian, babywear, cosleep, and never ever ever spank my kids.  I may even have a son who is lucky because I left him intact.

But I am not fanatical.   

• I'm not ridiculously overprotective (even when I want to be).
• I take long baths, even though I know it's not great, I reduce my carbon footprint in other ways, like not eating meat (which is something that even some of the most hardcore green, natural living people can't seem to give up).
• I did not have a medication free homebirth.  I not only had a C Section, but it was PLANNED and I demanded it.  That was my way of owning my own birth. I will do it again (and probably again after that).  The only thing that I dislike about this method of birthing is that I can only have four children.  Otherwise, it's my ideal method of delivering babies.
• I don't always eat organic. Mostly because I can't afford to.
• I didn't keep my daughter in a rear facing car seat until the age of 13 (in fact I was counting down the days until I could turn her around).
• Even though I believe that "breast is best", I have no urge to gang up on women who chose to formula feed.  It's their choice.  I may not think it's the right choice, but it's not my choice to make.  I fed my daughter formula because she had major reflux which was affected by breastmilk, as well as some other formulas.  We give Parker one or two bottles of formula a day, not only so that his dad can enjoy feeding him, but so I can have a break once in a while.  We love our breastfeeding relationship, and I refuse to give it up (especially the night feedings), but once in a while it's nice to be able to hand him to Nate and go read a book in the teatub (bath in our family).
• I don't wear my baby in the house constantly.  I wear him a lot.  I was babywearing when babywearing was only cool on the east coast.  Back when your only choice was Baby Bjorn and they were ridiculously expensive.  But I don't wear him all over the house.  I really do want to wear him more at home, but sometimes it's just not practical.  Like this one time... when I was doing laundry...  let's just say he wasn't a fan of being squished between his short mommy and the washer.
• While I generally follow safe cosleeping practices, I don't have just a mattress, with no boxspring, on the floor.  I did that when I was poor and pregnant with my daughter and couldn't afford a mattress, I'm not about to go back to it.  I've gone through the trouble of making sure there are no spaces between the mattress and the wall that baby can fall into so I think that's adequate. 
• I don't think television is evil.  I think it can be bad when children watch TV and play video games and never go outside or move around and exercise.  But it scares me that some moms talk about secondhand TV watching.  Really?  TV is not like cigarette smoke.  It can't "come and get" your child.  Having a TV on in the background in the room where your child is wont turn your child into a big, dumb, fat, blob of stupid.  I promise.  My daughter has had plenty of exposure to TV and she's ridiculously gifted, always outside playing and running around, and she's actually underweight (her dad has can't-gain-weight genes.  Yes, I do hate him because of it.)  It's how you utilize the television and how often that matters.
• Similarly, I let my four year old watch the X Files.  She likes it, it doesn't desensitize her, and even though she gets scared, it's scary in a fun way for her.  Just because you like scary stuff doesn't mean you're desensitized and are going to become a serial killer.  There are some things I wont allow her to watch, but I'm not crazy protective about it.  Eventually she'll get to the age where she'll find a way to watch it anyway and that age really isn't that far off.
• I don't believe mothers need to be slaves to their children in order to practice attachment parenting.  Some moms let themselves be guilted into servitude in an effort to attach.  My children and I are ridiculously attached.  I've lost a lot of friends because of my desire to spend most of my time with my children.  However, I also carve out some time for myself every day.  I was a person before I had children and I will be a person after they move out.  Some of you may be confused and I hate to break the bad news- your children will someday move out of your home- and if they don't you probably did something wrong. (Of course there are always special circumstances...)  
• On a similar note,  I absolutely HATE mothers who ONLY talk about their children.  I call them Zombie Moms.  Don't get me wrong, I talk about my children probably 90% of the time, but that other 10% I'm talking about my hobbies and interests and dreams and goals.  Some of which do NOT involve my children.  I believe that if the only aspect of your personality is the fact that you're a mom, you need to get a hobby.  I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about your kids, because I do that way more than I should myself, I'm simply saying that it's a problem if you can't find anything else to talk about.  If all you are is a mom, then your husband might start looking elsewhere for stimulating conversation.  You need to be that sexy, unforgettable, incredible, brilliant woman he fell in love with once in a while. (I've chosen Wednesdays for these occasions.  After Criminal Minds is over of course.)
• Lastly, I hate it when parents are ridiculously out of touch.  Do they really not remember being that age?  I remember being every age (except, obviously, younger than 2) and I think it helps to look back to how you felt about certain things when you were that age.  Granted, some times you were wrong, but sometimes your parents were too.  This tends to repeat itself.

I'm sure there are many more examples I could give you, but I'll stop rambling and summarize the whole point of this post.

I'm sick of trying to fit into a circle when I am entirely square.  I definitely am a crazy, crunchy, attachment parenting, trying-to-be-more-green mom.  But I refuse to give up, not only who I am, but also, good old fashioned common sense, in order to fit in to a niche.

So I will share thoughts on attachment parenting and crunchiness from my own perspective, even though it might be a little less breastfeeding-cloth diapering-car seat-birth nazi than some other blogs.

If we want other women to listen to us, and to adopt some of these ideas, and to spread the word about our causes, we need to be less in-your-face and more realistic.  Not every woman can afford an extended height and/or weight five point harness car seat.   Some women are simply not able to breastfeed.  Not everyone cherishes the idea of sleeping on the floor.  There are women who really DO NOT want to forgo medication during childbirth and who feel safer giving birth with a doctor present. 

There are varying degrees of crunchiness, and I absolutely abhor the idea of shoving my ideas and beliefs down other peoples throats.  With things I'm really passionate about, like not circumcising or vegetarianism, I try to bring the good points out first, and then hit the negatives.  No one likes to be yelled at and told they're a bad mother.  When we attack women for doing things differently (using a car seat slightly wrong, formula feeding, circumcising, or getting an epidural) we only make ourselves look fanatical and crazy (like Tom Cruise talking about psychiatry).  It's not going to make others listen to us, it's going to make others shut us out.  If we really want to get our message out, we need to stop demanding that our way is best, like a bitchy little clique, and instead show them that our way is open to all and adaptable.

"This above all, To Thine Own Self Be True."

- Polonius (Hamlet - Act 1 - Scene 3 - Line 78)

I am very much open to comments and criticisms in my comments.  I am all about the debate, so if you so desire, feel free to bring it on.  Those who agree with me, I would love to hear from you as well.

PETA Reveals New Holiday Themed Breastfeeding Billboard.

PETA has unveiled this new ad just in time for the holidays.  

Below is an excerpt from a piece mlive.com posted about the new billboards--->

(click the link to read their full article)

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"""PETA officials said they are in negotiations with outdoor advertisers in Paw Paw to bring the “holiday-themed, head-turning billboard” within close proximity to the Van Buren County Courthouse.

PETA officials said they hope the billboard will “serve as a reminder that breast milk is healthier for infants than dairy formula and that dairy products in any form are cruel to mother cows and their calves.”

The incident that has caught PETA's attention occurred Nov. 8 in District Judge Robert Hentchel's courtroom. Natalie Hegedus, 32, of Mattawan, said she was discreetly feeding her 5-month-old son in the back of the courtroom when Hentchel called her out and asked her if she thought what she was doing was appropriate.

Hegedus, who said she was in court that day for a hearing on a contempt of court charge, contends that was embarrassed by Hentchel's comments and that she did nothing wrong by feeding her son, who was hungry and sick."""

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I'm a vegetarian and PETA supporter myself (though I still eat dairy products- and my daughter was formula fed), and I really love this new billboard ad.  While I definitely believe formula has its place, it is widely accepted that Breast Is Best.  Breastfeeding in public is an issue that I'm very passionate about, and I'm glad that this incident has caught national attention.  Women should feel comfortable breastfeeding wherever they need to.  Just because it's legal almost everywhere, doesn't mean it isn't still looked down on.  

We need to stand up and fight for the normalization of breastfeeding!

What do you think?  Feel free to share your opinions in the comments below.

How do I get any work done with a baby and a (jealous) four year old?

Today has been an interesting day.  Parker, my 11 week old, is teething (at least I'm fairly certain he's teething), drooling everywhere, running a bit of a fever, and is about as cranky as a baby can be.  Aria, my four year old daughter, is in full blown jealousy mode.  She whines and complains about the amount of time I spend feeding and holding her brother.

My question of the day...

How do I get any work done in this situation?  How do you guys do it?  How do you handle jealousy between siblings?  And how do you handle teething?

Please feel free to share suggestions and ideas in the comments below.



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I Show My Boobs In Public! (Why I refuse to cover up while breastfeeding in public no matter how much other women want me to!)

 Fun-bags.     Boobies.     Jugs.     Tig Ole Bitties.     Knockers.     Dirty pillows.


Whatever you call them, they're definitely a big (and sometimes just-a-handful sized) deal.
  
Whether you're being poked in the face with naughty magazine spreads, watching a Lady Gaga video, walking for breast cancer, chillin' at the club, or sitting in a high school classroom... BOOBS ARE EVERYWHERE!


Americans love boobs more than we love Apple Pie, Baseball, and Jesus all combined!  And why wouldn't we?  They're fun to touch, fun to look at, and fun to jiggle.


But much to the dismay of the average American, they're also for feeding babies.  


In America, the sight of a woman (or teenage girl) walking down the street with her lady lumps hanging out for everyone to see is a fairly normal, and fairly celebrated, occurance.  But when those breasts are feeding a baby in public it's a whole new ballgame.


When my son was born, I said I would nurse in public, under the protection of a nursing cover or blanket.  I, for one, was going to have no problem with nursing in public.  If people didn't like it, I would simply point towards the blanket as a silent explanation of decency.


After the first two times I breastfed my son in public, under that soft yet awkward baby blanket, I just gave up.  I quit.  I was not dealing with that blanket anymore.  So I did what made the most sense to me.


I switched to formula?  No.
I switched to expressed milk in bottles?  NO.
I hid away in bathrooms and changing stations?  NO!!!


I simply sat down in a comfortable location, pulled out one of the twins (who I have affectionately named Daisy and Duke), and stuck it in my sons mouth.


That's it.  Cumbersome blanket problem solved.  


I breastfed in my local WIC office, not too big of a deal since there were posters of mothers breastfeeding on the wall.  I breastfed at the bank, also not a huge thing.  I breastfed at the playground, no one really noticed.  I breastfed at the Children's Museum, other mothers smiled, as did some of the younger kids.


And then I breastfed in Target.  We were shopping for teething rings and nose suckers when my son, uncomfortable from his runny nose and sore gums, wanted to be fed.  And he wanted to be fed NOW!  So I pulled down the strap of my tank top and my bra and quickly pulled him in to latch on.  My arm was around his neck and shoulders and my sweater covered a lot.  But, as I was walking around and not sitting somewhere quietly, I was noticed.  And...


I was laughed at.  


Yes, laughed at.  Three women coming in to the store took one look at me and all began laughing and not-quite-whispering to each other.  My first instinct was to make a comment about how they wouldn't be laughing when their children were sick, clutching their formula bottles with germ filled hands.  But I took the high road.  Which, by the way, is very hard for me.  I choked down the snarky comments that were rising into the back of my throat and I simply shot them my biggest, brightest, megawatt smile.  And I felt great.  No shame, no embarrassment, no blushing.  I was feeding my baby and I didn't care what they thought.


I felt very empowered after this incident and knew I would have no problem breastfeeding in public from then on.  


And then I went to the Mall of America.  My family, my best friend, and I went to Sealife USA at the Mall of America for my 29th birthday.  Because I am a child at heart.  Also, we're pretty broke at the moment and we have a membership (bought for my future marine veterinarian daughter for her birthday last year), so it was free.  We went to Lush (pretty much my favorite store at MOA) and then went to Build-A-Bear (pretty much my daughters favorite store EVER).  


While my daughter was combing through the racks of lilliputian stuffed animal clothing, my son began to cue that it was time to eat.  So, my best friend, Taylor, and I made our way out to the comfy couch-like sitting area just outside of the store.  I sat down on the farthest edge of one of the cushions.  Even though I have no problem breastfeeding in public, I still don't want to shove the girls in peoples faces- other than my sons- (and, in other ways, my fiances) so I usually try to find a spot that isn't right smack next to other people.  Apparently my courtesy went unnoticed, but my breasts didn't.


Even though I was turned away from her, the woman sitting next to me made a big showy deal of turning around so she couldn't see me.  Which really didn't make sense as she turned around every few seconds to look at me.  She began "whispering" to her friend about how disgusting it was that I was nursing my son in *Gasp* public!  According to Taylor, they continued to "whisper" and to look over at me with disgusted, smirky faces the entire time I was feeding my son.


REALLY?


In my admittedly short experience breastfeeding in public (my son is at the ripe old age of eleven weeks), I've noticed that it is usually women of childbearing age that are the most offended, shocked, and disgusted by a woman breastfeeding her baby.  


:: Older women and men smile or nod at me.


:: Men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s usually smile or don't respond at all.


:: Teenage girls just want to look at my baby because he's "sooooo (insert squeal) cute!"


:: Teenage boys don't really pay any attention, although I have caught a couple stealing a second glimpse, probably not of the baby, but not in a gross or obvious way.


:: Children don't seem to notice and the very rare ones that do smile at me.  Perhaps because they miss their nursing days themselves?


::  One security guard looked confused, like he wasn't sure what to do, or if what I was doing was allowed, but he didn't say anything.


:: My fiance (who fathered both of my children in case anyone is wondering), who is normally very shy and easily embarrassed, isn't bothered by it.


::  My son, who loves his Momma Milk, smiles and his whole face lights up whenever I pull one of the girls out.


But women, WOMEN have the problem.  Childbearing aged women.  These are the people who are the most likely to be right next to me, nursing their own children.  But instead they make comments, whisper, and act shocked and disgusted.  What's wrong with this picture?  


I can't help but wonder, if I were to take a survey of the women who have reacted negatively, how many of them bottle fed and feel guilty about it? (I personally fed my daughter formula and have no regrets or issues with bottle feeding, so please don't think that I'm trying to start a breastfeeding mafia war.  I am definitely not.)  


I wonder how many of them are fighting the little green monster, not having their own children yet?  I wonder if they don't have children yet because they scare away every man they meet with their negative, snarky attitudes and obviously low self esteem.


And, I'm sure, due to America's view that the breasts are purely sexual toys and objects of gratification, some of the women feel dirty even thinking about using their own breasts for such purposes.  


I wonder how many would react that way if I were a small chested woman?  Perhaps the fact that I have E cups and not A cups makes my nursing my son in public pornographic?    Or maybe they just want my bra size.  Either way, this is a factor I'm definitely interested in investigating.


Most of the people who have witnessed me nursing my son have not commented or reacted in any way.  Even though they might be thinking certain negative thoughts, they don't speak them or show them on their faces.  But these women made comments and attempted, unsuccessfully, to make me feel embarrassed and shamed.  Why must women constantly tear each other down?  


We should all be supporting a woman's right to use her body to feed her child anywhere that she pleases.  Women were given breasts (by God, by evolution, by whomever or whatever you personally choose to believe in) for two little reasons, and one big one.


:: For sexual pleasure.
:: To look great in clothes.


And the biggie, the most important, functional reason of all...


::  To feed their young.


Humans are mammals and mammals produce milk to feed their young.  While we may be the only mammals to derive sexual pleasure from our breasts, we are still mammals and our breasts were given to us to feed our offspring.


When my cat, Penny, had kittens, she not only breastfed her babies, she breastfeed them in public (well, our living room), she breastfed in front of the other cats and people without feeling embarrassed, and she breastfed for an extended period of time. (Have you ever seen a cat nursing a kitten that is almost the same size as her?  I have.  I will admit, it was a little weird... imagine breastfeeding your 16 year old.)  She didn't whip out little kitten sized bottles and mix up a can of Enfakitty or Simmeowlac.  She didn't hide under the bed (though she did give birth there) while she nursed.  She didn't crawl under a blanket to nurse in private.  She did what nature intended and NURSED her babies, out in the open, no matter who was watching.


I will be like my cat, Penny.  I will nurse when I want, where I want, when my child says it's time.  I won't put off feeding him, hide away in a dirty bathroom stall, hide under a blanket (which seems to draw more attention anyway), or lug around bottles of formula or expressed milk.  


I will pull out my Dirty Pillows (I love you, Stephen King), offer them to my child, and let him eat the food nature intended.  And I will be proud of my breasts.  They nourish my son, they are a comfortable place for my daughter to rest her head when she's upset, and they keep me warm on a Minnesota winter night.  


I'm not saying all women should breastfeed in public.  Some just won't feel comfortable, and that's ok.  I'm saying we should be able to do what we want with our own breasts (within the confines of the law of course- most states have laws in place protecting breastfeeding in public) and feed our children anytime and anywhere we want.


So if you and your child feel so inclined, show your boobs in public, and be proud!

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I adore my readers and hope you feel the same way about me.  

Please sign up for your very own free email subscription or follow me by joining Crunchy Moms using the handy dandy links at the top right hand corner of this page.  

Trick Or Treat - - - No Boobs To Eat?

Today I grappled with the age old dilemma most parents face at some point or another during the adventure that is parenting.

How  the do you keep a breastfed baby happy while trick or treating with older children?

It seems like it wouldn't be too hard really, but let me tell you.  It is.  Older kids RUN from house to house, cutting through yards, leaping over landscaping, and pushing each other to get to the front of the line at each door with a lit porchlight and a pumpkin on the doorstep.  Babies don't run.  They demand to be fed when THEY want to be fed.  They don't care that their preschool aged sisters want to cram as much free candy into a pillowcase as they possibly can.  And preschool aged sisters don't care that their baby brothers want to stop and drink some Momma Milk.

We feed our son (who experienced his first Halloween at the ripe old age of not-quite-eight-weeks-old) the occasional bottle of formula.  So we thought we'd be ok.  Until we ran out of formula in a cul-de-sac fifteen minutes away from home (and the emergency can of Similac).  Our children also tend to dislike pacifiers, and the adorable generic Nemo one we brought was locked in the diaper bag in the car several culs-de-sac away (yes the plural of cul-de-sac IS, in fact, culs-de-sac).

So needless to say, by the end of the night, after a lot of butt patting, finger sucking, empty bottle nipple sucking, and cuddly bouncy walking, we (and by we I mean my husband and my best friend who took turns carrying the baby while I carried the candy bags- for security purposes of course) were exhausted and Parker was ready for some DAMNED MOMMA MILK!  If babies could talk, I'm fairly certain he would have screamed those exact words.

Next year he will be a year old.  He will probably go more than 30 minutes between feedings.  So any advice you can give me on this topic is moot for him.  However, what happens when we have another tiny baby joining us on our Trick Or Treating Extravaganza ( we were the first to start at 5pm and the last out at 9pm)?  So I've decided to throw out a few ideas I thought of after we were warm in our home for the night.

@  Learn to walk and breastfeed at the same time.  (I figured this one out right as we were hitting our last house of the night- Grandma & Papa's.)

@  Figure out a way to force the older children to take breaks. (Please tell me how in the comments section.  Please!)

@  Make sure you bring not just one bottle of formula or expressed milk, but two... or three... or maybe twenty.

Of course, I'm fairly certain that not all parents take their kids (and the neighbors kids, and the old neighbors kids) Trick Or Treating for FOUR, eff-ohhh-yooo-arr, FOUR hours straight.  But those who don't are definitely jealous of baby Parker's candy stash.

And since baby Parker is only 8 weeks old and he can't really eat candy...  He will be having Reese's, Kit Kat, and Hershey flavored breastmilk (without interruption) for the next few weeks.  :)

So, if any of you lovelies out there have any tips/suggestions/ideas on how to deal with breastfeeding and non-stop trick or treating, please, for the love of God (or whomever you choose to fill in that blank with), please, PLEASE, feel free to share in the comments!


Oh, and in case you were wondering, Parker was a Banana for Halloween.

Today I learned about Power Pumping.  There are different definitions of power pumping but the basic idea is to pump frequently for a set amount of time to get your supply up (or maintain your supply if you suffer from a chronic low supply).

One of the websites I looked at suggested pumping for 10 minutes, resting for 10, repeat, repeat.  I tried this tonight but I think I was timing the pumping sessions a little too close together.  Tomorrow I'm going to try pumping, resting for a half hour, then pumping again and repeating for about two to three hours.  This is, of course, in addition to my usual pumping "schedule" (it's still a work in progress).

Baby Parker eats on a very random schedule.  It's usually every hour and forty-five minutes but then he will go on random cluster feeding sprees during the day as well. Nighttime is a completely different story but I'll get more into that in a later post.